Madison Utendahl is someone who understands that who you are is separate from what you build. After walking away from her thriving agency, she chose to leave the external markers of status behind to find a version of peace that felt honest — proving that the most grounding thing you can do is reclaim your own identity.
In this week's SIDIA Stories, she reflects on the initial anxiety of letting go of a high-status title, and the safe, tender reality she found on the other side of that threshold. We talk about the deep resilience she inherited from her 93-year-old grandmother, unlearning the guilt attached to an unscheduled weekend, and the ultimate luxury of allowing yourself to simply exist without having to perform.
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You closed a thriving, award-winning agency because you decided that the model itself was broken. What did it feel like to leave the version of success that the world recognizes to find a version that actually felt like peace?
"It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made for myself because it was rooted in something real. It was honest. I’d be lying if I said that at first I didn’t feel an enormous sense of concern and worry, and a lot of self-doubt about whether I had made the right decision. At times I felt really anxious about what the world would perceive me as, especially because I pride myself on follow-through."
"But when I really sat with it, the reality was simple. I didn’t need the world to see me as an agency founder. I needed the world to see me as Madison. And the only way that was going to be possible was if I stepped away from a company that was, frankly, clouding the most authentic and real version of myself."
At Sidia, we believe that coming home to yourself is the most radical act. Which Sidia fragrance feels like that exhale for you?
"I absolutely love MIDAS. It feels refreshing and energizing, and at the same time sensual and complete. The first time I smelled it, I smiled. I remember thinking, wow, this smells incredible and unlike anything I’ve experienced before."
"Transparently, that’s actually how I feel about myself right now. I feel like I’m in a stage of my life that I’ve never experienced before, in the best way. There’s something new, but also fully formed. I think there’s a real alignment there."
You've written about the grief of letting go of a high-status title, and the identity death spiral that comes after. What surprised you most about who you were on the other side of it?
"What surprised me most was how safe and comfortable I felt without it. I think in American society, broadly speaking, we’re taught that our identity and our worth are tied to something external. A company. A title. Something with status. We’re told we need those things to feel whole. And then I let it go, and on the other side of that, I’ve never felt better about who I am as a person. What I stand for. How I operate in the world. That was incredibly surprising, because it goes against everything I had been taught my entire life."
"What I found instead was a level of self-awareness that felt grounding in a way I didn’t expect. It’s something I hope more people get to experience, because it changes how you move through everything."
"What I found instead was a level of self-awareness that felt grounding in a way I didn’t expect."
Who are the women who shaped how you see yourself — and what did they teach you about rest, and what it means to truly take care of yourself?
"My grandmother is by far my greatest role model. She’s 93 and thriving. Truly thriving. She’s Miss Social Butterfly, but also someone who represents perseverance and resilience in a way I’ve never seen before. And somehow, she’s still the most chic, gorgeous, optimistic, positive, and forgiving person you’ll ever meet."
"When I think about how she shaped me, it comes down to this: she showed me that reinvention is always available. That you can start over as many times as you need to. She also taught me that taking care of yourself starts with letting go. Letting go, forgiving, accepting. Once you release what’s no longer serving you, you get to exist in a completely different emotional space. One that’s lighter, more optimistic, more open. Honestly, I think that’s part of her secret. She’s my everything!"
Your ritual of speaking affirmations while tending to your natural hair is so intimate. In a world that tries to commodify self-care, how do you protect that specific ten minutes at the mirror from becoming just another "to-do" on a list?
"For me, it starts with releasing any guilt around rest. Especially sleep. I love to sleep. I believe sleep is medicine. It’s one of the most universal gifts we have, and I’ve learned to actually cherish it. I used to feel a lot of guilt about sleeping in on the weekends, like I was wasting time or falling behind. That mindset took time to unlearn."
"Now, a zero-plan weekend is really about giving myself permission to rest in a way that feels good. Sometimes it’s making plans, but only the ones I genuinely want to be part of. Plans that feel restorative, not draining. It’s still a practice. I don’t think rest or self-care is something you “arrive” at. It’s something you choose again and again."
"And if I’m being honest, I’m also very aware that this season of my life won’t always look like this. So I’m trying to actually take it in while I can."
Madison's Ritual:
